Anger. The coat with many layers.

I don't have a vivid 'anger' story to tell in this piece. Not because I don't get angry, but because when I go through a denial episode, what comes next for me is deep reflection.

It is almost like rethinking all the choices and decisions that led to the event, wondering what I could have done differently, or the cues I missed. The minute I begin to see the cracks, emotions kick in, swinging between anger and frustration. And the most frustrating part of it all is the anger I feel towards myself, and sometimes the parties involved, for something I had no control over.

Perhaps you can relate.

The anger that comes after denial is different from everyday anger. It arrives after the realization that you have spent a lot of time holding on to something that has long gone. It feels almost like a jolt from a beautiful dream, and then you come to terms with reality.

The best way I can describe that moment is this:
Imagine a toddler tasting lemon for the first time. She sees a bright, attractive slice on her parents' plate and thinks this must be yummy. She reaches out, grabs it, and shoves it into her mouth. Within seconds, that toddler experiences an entire emotional journey: shock, realization, and then anger or frustration, all in one mouthful.

That is what anger after denial feels like. One moment, you are holding on to the dream. Next, reality hits, and the emotion that follows is not just about losing the thing, but realizing you held on far longer than you should have.

You marvel at the choices you made. You go hard on yourself, and sometimes on others, for making them. And underneath all of that is something deeper.

A loss.

Anger wears many layers: irritation, disappointment, frustration, betrayal, and restlessness. But beneath every layer is the same thing. A grief for something that mattered. Something you so desperately wanted to be real. Something you were not ready to let go of.

And here is what I want you to hear. That anger is not a flaw. It is the first step towards acceptance. It means you cared about something enough to fight for it, even if only you fought for it inside of you.

Acknowledge it, name it, but do not dwell there.
Anger that is held too long becomes toxic.

Can you relate to my experience, or have you felt anger differently? I am curious to know how you handled anger after going through a denial phase.

Your next chapter is waiting. And so am I,

Dr. Tolu Rogers

Transformation and Transition Coach

Founder, The Chapter Shift